Hi Guys, it’s me, Cheeky Monkey HD.com, here and you join me in Chapter 8 after I left you on a real ‘ledge grabber’¹.

We (me, Cheeky Cat 1080p and Daft Dog 4KUHD) have just been approached by a big, blonde bloke in a suit of armour and he has told us that we have fulfilled a prophecy.  It’s safe to say that Daft Dog 4KUHD and I were lost for words.

“Mow,” said CC1080p.

“Forsooth,” replied the bloke. “Doesth one of you two understandeth this fabulous feline? I must make haste in decipheringeth her tongue.”

“Mange tout,” replied DD4KUHD, looking smug. “For I, Daring Dog of the 4K Realm, canst speak catongue.”

I looked at him with the purest of pure embarrassment. It was, in fact, so pure that were I to sell it illegally, its street value would be in the millions.  I looked over at the blonde fella to see if he was smirking.  He wasn’t.

“Bravo, young pup, mayst thou verily translateth?”

My cringeometer was just turned up to twelve².

“Indeedy do.  For she hath proclaimed that you are talking ‘utter rubbish’ and you’d better explain what this prophecy nonsense is right away before you’re subject to a good swiping.”

I looked nervously over at the armoured guy as he had, what I can only describe as, a massive sword hanging from his metal belt.  I needn’t have worried.

“Ho ho ho,” he boomed like a sexy blonde santa. “I lurve your attitude.  It’s totally #whatevs.”

We all looked at each other somewhat puzzled by his change in vocabulary.  I think he noticed our reaction because he then said:

“Verily, thoust shouldst come with me-eth, and I willst explaineth in entirety the entireth sorry tale.”

Honestly, it just felt like he was trying too hard and we felt a bit sorry for him, so we decided to just follow him. He got down off of his horse to walk alongside us which was, to be fair, a classy touch.  CC1080p immediately took his place and somehow curled up comfortably on his saddle³.

Along the way to wherever we were going, the man revealed that his name was Godwin van Plopstone⁴ and his job title was ‘Holistic Monster Dispatcher’.

“I’m guessing that ‘Monster Dispatcher’ means that you kill monsters,” I said.  Godwin nodded.  “But where does the holistic part come in?”

“Well, when I dispatch a monster I dispatch the monster holistically.”

“Give me an example.”

“I take into account the monster’s body, the monster’s emotions, the monster’s thoughts and the monster’s energy.”

“And what monsters have you killed like that?”

“Well, um… Mattuck from Bulledfromii Valley.”

DD4KUHD and I looked at each other as if to say “who is that, we’ve never heard of them” although, in fairness, we’re not too familiar with the monster scene in this world, so this one that he mentioned might actually be a big deal.  Let’s just give him the benefit of the doubt and assume it’s a really big, tough monster.

“That’s great,” I replied.  I nodded at DD4KUHD to get him to say something.

“Yeah,” he said. “That’s one of my best monsters, so well done.”

Godwin visibly blushed.  It was cute.

“Thankseth, guys,” he said. “That really means a lot. Sometimes thou doth not feel appreciated, despite tryingst ones hardest.”

He wiped away a tear and DD4KUHD stifled a laugh because he’s immature. Things were now a bit #awks so we walked in silence (and CC1080p was asleep) until we walked over the top of a hill and saw a castle in the distance.

“Behold!” declared Godwin.  “‘Tis the citadel where all thoust questions will be answered.

To be honest, I’d forgotten that we had questions that we wanted answered.

To be continued.

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Footnotes:

1. Normal authors would use the word `cliffhanger’ here, but, I, Cheeky Monkey HD.com, am anything but normal.
2. If turning something up to eleven is funny, just imagine how funny it is to turn something up one more.  Oh, you don’t have to imagine it, you just experienced the hilarity for yourself.  You’re welcome. Now calm down and carry on reading the story.
3. Cat superpowers: the ability to jump far higher than you’d imagine and the ability to get comfy in the unlikeliest of places.
4. Apparently his ancestors were known for dropping stones in to ponds from the back of a van.